Human Resources

Human resources used to be called "personnel." Then they changed it to something that sounded like the part of the corporate hydra that farms, harvests, distributes, and ultimately controls humans. And that's exactly what it does, except that instead of thinking of them as "humans," they are just entities that exist to support and nurture the company's profits.

But that's not what they tell you when you meet them.

I'll never forget reading "The Shining," when Jack Torrance visits the Overlook Hotel and is instantly disgusted by the guy's "PR smile." The smile that is meant to be welcoming, inviting - "I like you! I'm your friend and we want you to be a part of our family!" What it really says? "I couldn't possibly give half a shit about you! I hope you have no ambition and will roll over and obey everything that comes out of my mouth, because everything that comes out of my mouth is complete and utter bullshit that the owner of this dumpsquad told us to say because we need more cogs in the machine to keep this scam going forever! And that means I get paid! Way more than you do!"

I won't go into the woman who runs our HR department because it would be mean to smear someone with an obvious mental illness. And our healthcare plan doesn't cover mental health professionals, so that would just be damndarned bitchy of me to go after someone who can't afford the proper care she really needs. But man alive, I could hear her shiteating grin over the phone in her message of not-even-halfway feigned concern for the company's employees after the record-setting blizzard that overtook my area.

"Good morning! It's Thursday, February 11th. We are open and looking forward to everyone returning to work after the snow. The roads are clear, and I've been here since 7:30 this morning! So we expect to see everyone's bright, shiny faces back to work before 9 AM!"

Dear god and heaven. True, the roads were pretty clear. They were pretty clear of cars too, because most people were smart and stayed home another day. Many of them, like me, stayed home yesterday, not willing to drive over 30 miles in a BLIZZARD to support Scrooge McDuck's insatiable greed. But if you think my company thought it was important enough to stay open, you were right!

"Good morning! It's Wednesday, February 10th. It's 8:35 AM and we have eight people in the office. Many people have called in or turned around. We're trying to get in touch with Scrooge McDuck. If you do decide to come in, we have a form for you to sign when you get here and we may close early so everyone gets home safely."

"Good morning! It's Wednesday, February 10th, and it's 9:35 AM. We have 50 people on the floor, so we are open for business..."

Wow. At least 50 people, including some people in my department, risked life and limb, put this scamwad before themselves, and drove in a blizzard to get here. I feel infinitely sorry for them. Unless I shouldn't. I haven't decided yet. All I know is that the heartwarming concern expressed by our caring, cuddly HR department really touched me deep in the cockles of my heart, especially the part where they cared so much for our safety and well-being that they sent Nice HR girl instead of Schizo McGee to tell us that if we took the snow day, we were using our own personal time and/or not getting paid. Ahh, the warm, glowing embrace of the company that loves us.